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Beginning at the Wilderness

by Shawnee Kilgore

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    Featuring the beautiful work "Chapel" by Jeanie Tomanek and design by Emily Shirley.

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1.
woke up from a dream with all the things I was afraid to say wondering how I managed to use up all of my rainy days reading into nothing in particular can make me crazed all my inhibitions have me drowning in my soul’s malaise this is it don’t get scared now trying to remember how it felt to be alive again dying to believe I could ever let the living in tell me what you did when you discovered you could disappear anything can happen when the color of the air is clear this is it don’t get scared now living off the trials and tribulations of a broken heart when will I remember that I’m whole with just a broken part looking in the mirror is as hard as it has ever been staring down the enemy when all I really need’s a friend this is it don’t get scared now
2.
he wakes up to another bed with another’s stories to fill his head and he wonders if darkness is a mirror ‘cause language says just what language wants and the darkness begs with its darkest charms and the morning is cool and clear it’s a wonder that I’m here he’s got wings of steel and a heart of fire he’s got time to think now it makes him tired he’s got time to see himself again and the Berlin wall runs right through his dreams ‘cause he touched it once at its broken seams couldn’t keep him out or keep him in it’s a wonder to just begin a thousand miles now closing in he’s got stories written of coming home he’s got stories written that aren’t his own he’s got everything he used to need but it’s back to work and it’s back to back and he won’t need Monday to tell him that but the page is slow to turn he fears the speed it’s a wonder that I bleed a thousand miles now left to grieve he wakes up to the same old bed with the same old stories to fill his head couldn’t keep him out or keep him back he’s got wings of steel and a heart of fire there’s no time to think now it makes him tired there’s no time to see himself like that it’s a wonder that I’m sad a thousand miles now to coming back it’s a wonder that I’m sad a thousand miles now
3.
I’ve made a lot of motion I do a lot of things my baby crossed an ocean I miss his company I’ve got a lot to think on what am I doing here and could I do it better or else just disappear I miss Barack Obama I miss the way it was to have a president I looked upon with grace and love you never see it coming you never see it clear but it was really something and now it’s really here I’ve got a little while I’ve got the time I need I’ve got the stitches ready in case I start to bleed they say the pen is mighty I say the pen is truth it keeps me honest and alive no matter what I do I really hit the jackpot I really struck the gold born a white girl with a healthy chance of growing old but if I leave the country I’ll see a sinking ship I haven’t done enough to fight and I’m ashamed of it I make a lot of motion I do a lot of things my baby crossed an ocean
4.
the littlest lion is coming to wake me up not afraid of the crying she’s coming to shake me up the littlest secret is making a real big deal I’m trying to keep it ‘cause what if the truth’s not real what if I can’t go home what if I’m just a rolling stone growing afraid of how I’ve grown I’m hoping you miss me I’m hoping you see me strong there’s a light in the history I’m careful to leave it on ‘cause what if we can’t go home how do we stop these rolling stones how do we fix these broken bones it’s making a difference questioning everything I’m going the distance even a lost bird sings what if I can’t go home what if I’m just a wishing stone going wherever I’ve been thrown just going wherever I’ve been thrown the littlest lion is mighty and brave and good she’s small but she’s trying to do what a big lion would the littlest lion is coming to wake me up
5.
I was hoping I’d fallen from grace with the earth rushing hard at my face there’s so much I’ve tried to erase it’s just a little america a little bit anxious a little bit restless a little bit thankless a little bit reckless when everything falls away I fall away I tried hard to let it all go but I cling to my secrets I’ve shown everything I meant to show it’s the truth that defeats us I was running from everything else I’m just a little america a little bit anxious a little bit restless a little bit thankless a little bit reckless when everything falls away I fall away if I follow you’re not alone if I lead I will lead you home to a bed in the undertone if I take what I mean to give if I tell you the things I did if I die when I mean to live it’s just a little america a little bit anxious a little bit restless a little bit thankless a little bit reckless when everything falls away it’s just a little america a little bit anxious a little bit thoughtless a little bit thankless a little bit reckless when everything falls and I’m tearing my heart from the cracks in the walls I’m a little america a little bit empty from holding my breath and the notes that you sent me I’m writing my letters I’m singing for rain and I hope you can hear me now I hope you can hear me now
6.
Abraham 04:48
I was raised in Illinois life in the north made me a poor boy and I grew up and when I did they made me king tied at the end of a thousand strings and I grew up when I do good I feel good when I do bad I feel bad that’s my religion there was a war I made it so to fight for freedoms that everyone should know and I grew up I was hated by many men they couldn’t see it but I fought for them and I grew up yeah I grew up when I want to go back home I close my eyes to feel the sun and when I want to stop and rest I know I’m not the only one there was a man thought I should die could say I blame him but I never lie when I do good I feel good when I do bad I feel bad yeah when I do good I feel good when I do bad I feel bad that’s my religion
7.
I’m leaving old town I’m leaving everything won’t let the sun shine won’t let the birds sing I’ve got a bright star I’ve got an offering I’m leaving old town I’m leaving home again I can’t remember how it’s all supposed to end I’ll be a big girl I’ll be a better friend I made a big deal out of a little time I’ve had to let go of everything that wasn’t mine I’ve got a big dream I’ve got a reason why I’m leaving old town It’s all that I can see I want to laugh loud when I look back at me I want the magic I want the fantasy I made a big deal out of a little time I’ve had to let go of everything that wasn’t mine I’ve got a big dream I’ve got a reason why and if I die here what would I think of that would I just lie here wishing I could go on back I’ll climb the branches to where the sky is at I made a big deal out of a little time I’ve had to let go of everything that wasn’t mine I’ve got a big dream I’ve got a reason why
8.
it comes in the front door it’s quiet at night and if you are sleeping it will leave out the light it’ll crawl in close and hold on tight and it’s a long hard road ahead it’s fixing to linger it’s fixing to stay it’s fixing to bug me ‘til I’m up and away I got woes and worries to light the way and it’s a long hard road ahead I’ve got big ideas and a train wreck in my head I can remember and I can be told I was playing with fire had my hand to the stove I was breaking my heart I was breaking the mold I was breaking a sweat standing out in the cold keeping composure I’m keeping it cool even though I’m a senior and I’m let out of school there’s a parking lot and the back lot rules and it’s a long hard road ahead what is a grown up I’m lost in the chase I’m starting to own up I’m finding my pace I know my heart and I know my face and it’s a long hard road ahead let the grindstone go put your nose to a rose instead I can remember and I can be told that I’m playing with fire got my hand to the stove I was breaking my heart I was breaking the mold now I’m breaking a sweat standing out in the cold it doesn't get old I come in the front door I’m quiet at night and if you are sleeping I will leave out the light I will crawl in close and hold on tight
9.
if you got a heart like mine come on and let the blue moon shine I know you got a heart like mine if you got a broken wing come on and let the blue moon sing I know you got a broken wing if you gotta walk away come on and let the blue moon stay I know you gotta walk away if you gotta let me go come on and let the blue moon show I know you gotta let me go if you gotta cry it out come on and let the blue moon shout I know you gotta cry it out if you gotta heart like mine come on and let the blue moon shine I know you got a heart like mine I know you got a heart like mine
10.
freeze the sailor in a moment be kind and choose the one he loves the most how he wishes he could hold that ghost how he wishes he was breathing trees of winter standing still no more the brittle season of the wind and storm watching fields behind the country stores he swore he’d last another winter now I’m wishing I could fly I would give it away we used to watch him working on his boat with shining skin we’d pass him on the road kept his head down in a sailor’s clothes an awesome sight when he was younger he smoked and spoke with just a slight breath left with just the violins and coronets ancient green and angled close with death a knot in place of all the hardness now I’m wishing I could fly I would give it away you know he didn’t touch the earth that day he didn’t even touch the earth that day I didn’t even touch the earth that day freeze the sailor in a moment be kind and choose the one he loved the best how he wishes he could feel his chest how he wishes he was breathing
11.
I broke the silence and I broke the dawn it’s just the wrong side of the writer that you woke upon I will be coming back I will be coming strong I held the pages and I held the pen I held the broken heart that couldn’t seem to bleed again I’m coming empty but I’m coming in I’ve been drinking at the water’s edge prayed for thunder in the watershed dreamed a bridge across the river bed when it dried I bled I pray for music and I pray for words I pray for anything but silence in the mouths of birds it’s more than I expect it’s more than I deserve maybe I have taken more than mine maybe I’m here taking shots of someone else’s wine my breath is coming back gasping line by line I’ve been drinking at the water’s edge prayed for thunder in the watershed dreamed a bridge across the river bed when it dried I bled
12.
the screen door’s open honey come on in knock real soft if you’re shaken your heart is heavy and it pulls you down but mine is steady and I’ll pull you out you’re leaning hard and you’re swinging low you're falling fast and learning slow you fell down deep in the wishing well but these old wings won’t fly themselves hold my light ’til you find your own hold my hand ’til you find your home hold my gaze in a moonlit sky hold my breath in a long goodnight it’s all right it’s all right it’s all right if all you’re feeling is the ache it’s all right it’s all right I will shine a light for when you wake the screen door’s open honey come on in knock real soft if you’re shaken
13.
lay you down pretty in a hole in a hole lay you down pretty in a hole lay you down pretty in a hole in a hole lay you down pretty in a hole lay me down pretty in a hole lay your big brother in a hole lay your good daddy in a hole lay your strong mama in a hole lay your sweet lover in a hole lay your little baby in a hole lay us all pretty in a hole

about

This album is a dream come true. It took me a long time to ask for what I really wanted, and what I really wanted was to work at Great North with this team.

We live tracked over the course of 6 days and I'm still in complete disbelief over what I was able to give of myself. No one but Zachariah at the helm of the ship could have drawn such musical fire from my chest, and I am forever grateful.

Dear Great North,

I am madly in love, the kind that reminds you how precious and beautiful life is at its heartbeat, how much can be felt with every breath, how inspiring the world can be. I am forever changed, and a better person than I was. I am so grateful that our golden threads have crossed and woven a web I shall never forget. I must leave now but a piece of my heart, perhaps the best piece, will stay, drifting from room to room, following the sweetness of melodies made. May there always be another, breath, star and song.

Yours,

Shawnee

credits

released September 8, 2020

Recorded August 2018
At Great North Sound Society
Produced by Zachariah Hickman
Engineered by Brian Joseph
Assisted by Dietrich Strause

Mixed by Dan Cardinal at Dimension Sound Studios
Mastered by Kim Rosen at Knack Mastering

All songs written by Shawnee Kilgore except This Is It (Don't Get Scared Now) written by Shawnee Kilgore and Ben Jones.

Shawnee Kilgore: electric and acoustic guitars, vocals
Sam Kassirer: piano, organ, keyboards, vibraphone
Zachariah Hickman: upright and electric bass, acoustic guitar, omnichord, dobro, bass clarinet, pump organ, harmony vocals
Shane Leonard: drums and percussion, banjos, oud
Andrew Stern: electric and acoustic guitars

With

Mark Erelli: harmony vocals
Kris Delmhorst: harmony vocals

Executive Producers: Cameron Winston and William Wallace

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Shawnee Kilgore Austin, Texas

"Shawnee Kilgore is to music as velvet gloves are to diamond cutters,” wrote James Hardesty, owner of the Green Frog Acoustic Tavern in Bellingham, WA. “She holds all this beauty in her hand, raw and untouched, then she chips away until it gleams in the light, holding on with a soft gentleness that she has perfected." ... more

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